So long 2020, you neckless giraffe


If 2020 was a giraffe, he would have no neck.

Instead of a graceful delicate needle-neck would be some deformed skeletal neck. Or some rotten, half-eaten zombie neck. Or no neck.

Giving us a giraffe that would struggle to reach those juicy leaves on the higher branches. Perpetually feeding on the lesser lower leaves. Which would quickly be consumed. Resulting in hungry neckless giraffe.

Yes Siree, that’s 2020 giraffe. So long and good riddance to deformed 2020 giraffe. Badass neckless giraffe, come again no more.

Remember back to the days and times of certainty. When one saw a person wearing a face mask in any major town or city, one knew with utter certainty – he’s from Korea. Now he may have been from Japan, or Malaysia or Taiwan or China (it was always Asians wearing masks), but from some unknown reason MB always considered that he was from Korea. Absolutely certainly from Korea. What’s wrong with those fearful insecure inhibited Koreans with their quirky face masks often wondered MB, contemplating yet again another of life’s mysteries.

Throughout 2020 MB couldn’t recognise a single person from his thousands of friends and acquaintances. Or from his tens of thousands of blog followers. Each and every one looked like a Korean.

Take last weekend for instance. Korean-like MB is walking through the local Landmark shopping mall. Korean Arab looking guy momentarily faces MB as he shops in the opposite direction, mask facing mask for a few brief moments of close proximity. MB noticed lots of facial hair sticking out from the sides of the over-large mask. Then, hell of hells, Korean Arab guy says to MB –

“Hello MB”.

WTF thought MB. MB doesn’t have an earthly clue who Korean Arab guy is. Yet has has greeted MB in a casual friendly we-know-each-other-very-well sort of manner. MB starts to babble, considering it impolite to ask the question he should certainly have asked –

‘Who are you, Mr Korean Arab guy?’

“Er, eh, eh, ah” replied MB, thinking it would be less embarrassing if MB was momentarily incontinent, than babble incoherently at some guy who obviously knew MB very well. Yet, try as MB might, MB could not recognise the guy behind the over-sized mask. The two ships passed in the mall, port to starboard, MB’s neck twisting, giraffe-like, in vain attempt to recognise the guy as he walked past, who continued to look backwards at MB, begging for some pleasantry.

“And hello to you too” said humiliated MB, doing the best he could (miserably), as Korean Arab guy disappeared into the mall mist of masked humanity.

“Jesus help me”, whispered MB to himself and to the higher heavenly power. “Please give MB the gift of x-ray vision, so that he may at least recognise kith and kin again through those masks in this God forsaken year”.

Bad enough not recognising your husband or wife or father or mother in the mall, MB is thinking. But what of the dimming of the brains that 2020 giraffe has thrust upon MB?

MB has regularly found himself driving alone this year, only to realise after 3 or 4 kilometres that he is wearing a mask. “God almighty”, has MB shouted on multiple occasions. “There’s nobody else in the car. Why the hell are you wearing a mask MB??? Who are you protecting yourself from MB??? Yourself??? ” MB is now hugely concerned that his enormous brain, and related mega IQ , have suffered irreparable damage on account of 2020 giraffe.

Note to MB – Buy more fish oil tablets and broccoli tomorrow.

And what of the huge waste of alcohol spray? 2020 giraffe drank it by the bucket load. MB can immediately think of far greater uses for alcohol than spraying it all over the steering wheel of his car.

Strewth!

And as for the kill-everything-in-the-universe hand gels. MB thinks he has developed a skin allergy to all the killer gels. It can’t be too long before MB will be needing substantial skin grafts from his rear-end onto his hands and arms, due to the skin-eating corrosive powers of the acidic gels.

Strewth (again!).

And so dear followers. As 2020 giraffe starts to graze off into the end-of-year distant Serengeti, MB wishes him a quick death. May his 2021 offspring be a healthy sprog. With a neck to do the species proud.

May all who know MB recognise him in 2021.

And may he recognise them!

Happy Christmas and New Year to all.


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